Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
