Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
