MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
