I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
