where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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