we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
