I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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