tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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