i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
