FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
