$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
