I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
