Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
