The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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