She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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