best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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