I'm eating all of the evidence.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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