If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
