In America we eat man semen.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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