Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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