Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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