perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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