so that wasnt chicken after all
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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