You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
