Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
