I will die if light touches me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
