I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
