??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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