it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
