Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
