How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
