I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
