hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
