All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
