shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
