Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
