I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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