i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
