if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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