im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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