I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
