your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
