You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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