I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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