This is not my ceiling
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
