I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
