you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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