I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
