In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
