We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Randomize
